Characteristics of a domestic abuser
A man who abuses his partner is
jealous and possessive. He demands
absolute submission from his partner. If she rebels against his will in any way, he gets angry and his anger is readily expressed in the form of
physical violence. To his partner, he is omnipresent in all her physical and mental space. He
knows everything that she does and everyone that she sees. He is all-powerful...
The above passage describes common characteristics of domestic abusers
and the situations they create for their victims. However, this piece is
not about domestic violence- at least not the human kind. The above
passage also describes common characteristics of the Abrahamic God and
the situation he creates for his followers, especially the female ones.
God as a domestic abuser- it sounds crazy. But the more I think about
the relationship women have with their God and religion, I cannot keep
this image out of my mind.
Background
I started thinking more about religion when I was teaching at a primary
school in the UK. As a public school teacher in Canada, religious
education is not a compulsory part of the curriculum. However, in the
UK, even in secular public schools, a teacher is required to teach
religious education at both the primary and secondary levels. As both
an atheist and a feminist, I was very uncomfortable with having such an
obligation forced on me.
Thus, I went searching on the internet to find a feminist critique of
religion that would help me to better articulate my aversion to having
to teach it. Although I found some useful essays, articles and websites,
on the whole, I found discussion of this topic to be sadly lacking.
Even one of my favourite feminist blogs,
The F Word Media Collective,
only has a few
articles and
podcasts
exploring this theme, and all of them were wanting in critical analysis
of the patriarchy that is inherent in all Abrahamic religions.
Why feminists are hesitant to critique religion
Fear of being labeled intolerant, prejudiced and/or racist is a major
reason why many non-religious feminists steer clear of critiquing
religion as Amy Clare explains in her article,
“Why feminism must embrace reason and shun religion’’.
Clare is surprised that even though feminists know that religious ideas
harm women, they tolerate it or even apologize for it. “It is as though
mainstream feminism has a ‘blind spot’ when it comes to religion”, she
writes.
Recent
discussions about Islamophobia in Canada
illustrate Clare’s point argument all too well. To me, it is bizarre
that we are at the point when Conservatives are saying that niqabs are
oppressive while feminists are defending a Muslim woman’s "choice" to
wear one. I have to pinch myself sometimes to make sure this is really
happening. Do feminists really believe that this "choice" is really
free- that it is in no way influenced by the families and communities of
these women who have indoctrinated them into this system of belief
since they were children? Are they ignorant about
the reason why Muslim women cover their faces? Do they not see any
connections between this practice and victim blaming?
Or are many feminists just too scared to tell it like it is because
they fear the social and political consequences of criticizing religion?
Religious feminists
And what about those women who claim to be feminists and followers of
major world religions?! How are they able to reconcile their advocacy
for equality between the sexes and their “faith’’? Personally, I agree
with
Guardian columnist,
Cath Elliot, that being a feminist and a
believer in one of the world ’s major faiths is
“an oxymoron’’.
All major religious texts are filled with sexist ideas that have been
and are still used to justify acts of violence against women. But, most
importantly, at the centre of these "sacred texts" is the image of the
ultimate patriarch- God. And let us be clear that God, Yahweh, Allah, or
whatever you want to call him is a male deity whose words are
interpreted by male prophets and whose institutions are run
predominately by
male leaders. How do religious feminists ignore this
reality?
In her article, Amy Clare also examines some of the reasons why
religious feminists say they are able to reconcile their faith and
feminism. She says (and I quote) there are three main ones:
1) There are other verses/texts in the religion which actually promote equality and women’s rights.
2) The holy texts have been misinterpreted by misogynists and if interpreted correctly they actually promote equality.
3) The texts are irrelevant to the practice of the religion itself.
I will not bother reiterating Clare's insightful analysis of why these
reasons just don't make sense as you can read them
here. What I would
rather do is get back to what I wanted to focus on in the first place:
the
psychology behind why many women cannot seem to get away from religion.
Victims of Abuse
My brothers they never went blind for what they did
But I may as well have
-
Alanis Morisette
And so I come back to the image of God as a domestic abuser. It is
although women (as a group) are in the ultimate abusive situation. God controls what
they
wear, what they
eat, where they
sit. He often puts them down and threatens to harms them physically. Sometimes
he does harm them physically.
Yet,
it seems that women are in denial, especially those that identify
themselves as religious feminists. They make excuses for God's
behaviour, excuses that sound an awful lot like those made by abused
women."There are other verses/texts in the religion which actually
promote equality and women’s rights."
sounds a lot like, "He's not always this way... there's a good side to
him too". The argument that "the holy texts have been misinterpreted by
misogynists and if interpreted correctly they actually promote equality"
resembles a
victim's belief that she and the love she has for her abuser will be
powerful
enough to change him. The last reason, that "the texts are irrelevant to
the practice of the religion itself" is ultimate denial. It is
reminiscent of a victim
pretending that the abusive part of her relationship doesn't
exist. She creates her own fantasy version of the
relationship in her mind, and this fantasy relationship is also the
only one she shows to the outside world. Unfortunately, for her, and all
female victims of the misogynistic religious ideas and practices, the
reality is, the abuse is real.
Support
Look, I know I am being quite harsh. It's just that... I'm really
irritated. The reason why is because I see a lack of critical thinking
and questioning when it comes to religion by people in general, but
especially by feminists. As an abolitionist feminist, I don't advocate
for "harm reduction" in prostitution because I think it is an oxymoron.
Prostitution is harm. I also think Christianity is harm. So is Judaism
and Islam. Any system of belief that legitimizes the inferiority of
women,
discourages critical thinking, and promotes
absolute submission to male authority does harm and is anti-feminist.
Yet,
I do not advocate for laws that ban religion because I
know they will do no good in the same way that it would do no good for
me to
forcibly remove a woman from an abusive situation.(But I will also not
apologize for or defend religious beliefs and practices, especially
those that are sexist like the wearing of the burqa.) All I can do is
help the victim recognize that she is in an abusive situation, provide
her with support, and hopefully she will decide to leave on her own. A
similar approach should be adopted when discussing the topic of religion
with religious feminists and those who defend them.
Building a new life
Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today
- John Lennon
It
is often difficult for a woman in an abusive relationship to imagine
what her life would be like without her abuser as he works very hard to
ensure that she is both financially and emotionally dependent on him.
Very understandably, even if she decides she wants to leave him, she may
be too afraid to face what is an uncertain future. Perhaps this too is
one of the reasons why religious feminists find it difficult to leave
their faith. They are told it is part of who they are. Their family and
other social relationships are formed and maintained via religion.
Therefore, holding and voicing a dissenting view about one's religion
can lead to conflict and an identity crisis. Very understandably,
religious feminists may be scared to leave their religion as they also
face an uncertain future.
But fear and uncertainty are
not a good enough reasons to stay in a bad situation. Once such feelings
are conquered, the potential for a bright future lies ahead. When an
abused woman finally leaves her abusive partner and begins a new life,
she feels much better, more independent and confident. Similarly, when
people start leaving religion, the lives of women and girls improve
dramatically. And how do we know this?
By
looking at the least religious countries in the world and comparing
them to the most religious countries in terms of gender equality.
Not surprisingly, countries like Sweden, Denmark and Norway have highest
number of organic atheists also have the highest levels of gender
equality. Countries considered to be highly religious, like Pakistan,
Nigeria and Iran have the lowest levels of gender equality.Coincidence?
Methinks not.
Final Message
So all you feminists out there, it's time to put
down those tired old ancient books and read the modern writing on the
wall. Let's call a spade a spade and religion yet another manifestation
of patriarchal domination of women. Let's start helping our fellow
womankind leave the oppressive and abusive relationship we have with
this patriarchal character called "God". Let's begin working to build a
better life for women and girls- not in the future in the clouds, but
right now here on earth.